If workplace consultants were organising Christmas….

The Christmas project would require a fully expensed visit for the entire team and some of their friends to Greenland, Lapland and anywhere else ending in “land” to see how they organise it (and what they drink)

A conference on the “future of Christmas” would be held, at which someone would present on “Christmas is something you do, not a small island in the Indian Ocean – although it is that too”

The Pre-Post Occupancy Survey revealed that 54% of people were moderately happy with last year’s Christmas present- which doesn’t tell us much but it’s great to have some data, isn’t it?

The term Christmas would be replaced by a project acronym depicting the meaning and spirit of the season – after a night-long pizza-fuelled brainstorming session, the themes identified were – December , (Frank)incense, Wenceslas, Advocat, Lists and I(want an iPad) – or DIWALI

Only seven out of ten people would get presents, to account for some not being around on Christmas Day

Those seven would all get the same present, because one size fits all

The Christmas Tree would be a tulip growing in an egg cup on the outside windowsill – until it died shortly being placed there, which was an installation error and nothing to do with the design

Christmas Dinner would consist of champagne cocktails followed by several turbo shandies and finally a vegan kebab, all sponsored by a major furniture manufacturer

All Christmas decorations would need to be taken down at the end of the working day and the space left exactly as you would wish to find it, to enable you to celebrate Christmas in a way that suits you – even if you wanted to find Christmas decorations

On Boxing Day the scope of Christmas would be extended to include Easter, the fee thereby being increased together with a sundry 10% admin charge on top for specifying the eggs

Oh well – let’s hope HR will be running it next year….

 

3 thoughts on “If workplace consultants were organising Christmas….

  1. If Interior Designers were organising Christmas, the venue would a shop window in Harvey Nicks, completely impractical and an FM nightmare, but looks great and everyone can see us showing off. Champagne cocktails would be served all night long, blowing the budget, but with only enough (beautiful-looking but barely edible) mini-canapes to feed half the guests (that’s the catering consultants fault). All anyone would talk about would be what awards they’d won that year for best shop window design, and how drunk they’d got on that “factory trip” to Italy in the summer. Everyone would have a good time getting the client tipsy so they’ll let us use their shop window again next year, some having too much of a good time and damaging some of the shop window display which is put down to contractor snags and product defects, until the the party is gate-crashed by a bunch of scrooge-like PM’s and QS’s who demand half the party leave and the rest have to stay behind to clear up the mess. Bah, bumhug!

  2. If PMs were in charge PRINCE 2 and risk management would ensure that it was on target until 24th then an extension would be required and Christmas postponed until 26th

    HR – looking forward to the “having Christmas way from home this year standard operating procedure” and new “elves flexible and remote working policy” which are still in consultation.

    IT – Christmas postponed this year due to programme overruns.

    Finance – present budget slashed due to CSR cost cutting

    Lets have a crowdsourced un-Christmas instead?

  3. And if FMs organised Christmas:
    Santa would not be allowed in the building without a security pass or the appropriate dress code, and he certainly would not be allowed to park his sleigh on the roof or bring his pet reindeer to work.
    Chritmas trees would not be allowed without a business case considering the cost versus (dis)benefits of planting in the office, followed by a long drawn out tender process before awarding it to a large pest control organisation.
    Christmas dinner would not be provided as the catering SLA does not allow for special meals, and once it was discovered that the turkeys were not fairtrade turkeys then they would be returned; plus it would be considered politically incorrect to call it “Christmas” dinner anyhow.
    Christmas crackers would also be banned as they are disruptive, a noise infringment, and they are no bins nearby to put the waste paper in.
    I am sure there is more.

Leave a Reply